In the last year...

Well, I turned 23 years old this past Saturday, February 6th (by the way, thanks for all the b-day wishes from my social networking friends!). In looking back over the last 12 months I've realized that they turned out to be a pivotal, crucial turning point in my life.

It's in my nature to overanalyze. Annoying? Yes, you have no idea. This trait is single-handedly responsible for adding way more stress to my life than needed. I am, however, thankful that in this particular case I've been able to analyze the hell out of all these things I've experienced in the last year and walk away with meaningful, important lessons learned at the ripe old age of 23. Have there been situations in the past that I would've benefitted from learning these lessons sooner? Damn straight, quite a few of them. BUT...the reality of it is, I can be humble enough to say that before this last year, I would've been too young to have learned from these lessons if they'd been wrapped in bright yellow caution tape and thrown at my face full-force.

Now that I'm happily at a point in my life I'm able to recognize and grasp important lessons, I realize that in the last 12 months I've:

Let people into my life who should've never been there,

and pushed away people I should've held onto.

Left everyone and everything I've ever known,

to embrace everything I've never known and always wanted to.

Learned that my heart will, inevitably, do whatever the hell it wants,

regardless of whether my mind does or does not approve.

Given someone something of mine that I may never get back,

and received a priceless experience in return.

Realized that it's true what they tell you when you're little:

you do have to learn to take care of yourself, because no one is going to do it for you.

In the last year I've:

Gone months and months without having my oil changed in my car,

Shared french fries and other various people food with my dog,

Not backed up a single thing on my laptop,

Drank way too much just because it made me temporarily feel better,

Been that vulnerable, dependent, weak girl with a man -

yes, the one my mother always taught me to never be.

Gone too long without speaking on the phone with my sister & grandmother,

Driven with my registration & proof of insurance in a stack of paper somewhere in

my home instead of in my car (as a cop's daughter...sorry for this one, Dad).

Slept with my makeup on.

And done many, many other things I shouldn't have.

I've learned:

That while money buys plenty of things, some of those being things that certainly make me all sorts of happy, it doesn't buy the things in life that truly make me happy...that kind of happy when you're 8 years old and you find out your outfit really looks as cool in your pictures on picture day as you thought it would.

That when you hide who you are, the truth will come out eventually. Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't. Why risk it?

That feeling the need to hide who you are in the first place can often be the result of being surrounded by the WRONG PEOPLE.

That it's okay to hold onto something you believe in only for the sake of proving to yourself it was worthy of your faith to begin with.

That my dog is as happy to see me after 10 minutes apart as she is after an entire month.

That a partner in a relationship should feel that exact same way,

minus the tail-wagging and drool.

That my mom was right about a whole lot of things I didn't think she would be.

Yep, Dad, so were you.

That once you free yourself of chains, you're capable of flying untethered.

Takin' it back to the old school...

I spent a summer a few years ago filming instructional

DVDs for magicians with a company based in Lake

Tahoe, CA, called L&L Publishing and this week (years

later!) found YouTube links to the videos (who'd-a-

thought!?).

Awe, what a fun stroll down memory lane. I'd hardly

call this "acting," but for a girl that was in the middle

of a rough break-up, making sandwiches at Port of

Subs for a living, and had no idea what the hell she

wanted to do with her life, I was happy as a pig in mud

when I got a call from my agency in Reno about the

booking. I'm not gonna lie, aside from a couple public

transportation commercials in junior high, this is about

as exciting as it got for me! The days we taped will

always be little rays of sunshine in my summer

memories that year... = )

Dating in a Dangerous World of Cream Cheese

As I stood in line at Starbucks this morning waiting for my grande non-fat-double-shot-mocha-no-whip and my boss' venti americano-over-light-ice-two-sugars-no-cream (*yes, I found someone who is as high-maintenance with their coffee as I am*), I notice an adorable little girl, probably 7 or 8ish, sitting at a corner table politely sharing a bagel with a little boy of roughly the same age. I watch her push a couple extra napkins towards his side of the table. I see her hand over the small single-serving tub of cream cheese.

As this apparent early-morning play date (do children go to school anymore? Shouldn't they have been learning something constructive?) carried on, I notice both mommies waiting for their drinks as well, watching the kids like Louis Vuitton-clad, perfectly-coiffed hawks. I secretly wonder to myself if the extremely young couple are behaving because they know The Mommies are watching them, or if The Mommies are watching them because they are behaving so well.

I get my answer when The Mommies turn their attention to the over-worked (and likely under-paid) barista shouting their names off the side of their cups as he finishes their drinks.

Play-by-Play:

Boy is soon standing on his chair leaning over the table (harmless - I'd do the same thing if I couldn't reach the bagel). Girl turns her head toward The Mommies, distinctly concerned for the boy's safety, I'm sure. Boy struggles as he leans farther forward over the table. Girl gets an unexpected earful of cream cheese. Girl starts crying and un-intentionally smearing the breakfast condiment from her ear across the side of her face. Boy laughs so hysterically he accidentally kicks a shoe off his foot. The Mommies rush over and separate the dispaired couple.

As I watch the whole ridiculous scene between these two, in the little girl I suddenly begin to see myself almost two years ago at the beginning of my last relationship ...the giver, the pleaser, the I'll-bend-to-be-what-I-think-you-need-and-want--from-me-even-if-it-isn't-who-I-am-er.

Are we conditioned and taught as females from a young age to give all we can of ourselves, whether that involves napkins, love, support, etc., and to hide or eliminate our not-so-desirable aspects, only to get nothing in return but cream cheese in the ear? Let's face it: I imagine that in reality very few of us have ever had a condiment jammed in our ear by a man. But what if the girl really, truly had a burning desire to keep all that cream cheese for herself, keep all the napkins for herself, and enjoy her damn bagel in peace and quiet rather than winding up in the middle of a breakfast-time nightmare all because she felt the need to share? This seems more reasonable, I guarantee not many of us can honestly say we were open to the prospect of sharing our food at that age, but females especially are conditioned as nurturers. Even if this is a subconscious effort on the side of parents' and society, it's something that's instilled in most of us as children.

The problem lies in the growing-older part of the equation. As we grow older, we're more and more inclined to put others and their needs ahead of our own, I have several girlfriends who have admittedly found themselves in this position, as well as other women that are very close and dear to me. Any parts of ourselves that may not quite fit into what others want, we subconsciously hide those parts in an effort to be what everyone in our lives need us to be: nurturers.

As we grow older, we find that the important question is this:

How do we draw the line between nurturing others and nurturing ourselves?

How can we as females expect to nurture the person who is supposed to be the most important in our lives: ourselves, if we're constantly giving away our *napkins and cream cheese* to others?

The thing about life...

I've been thinking a lot about this "go big or go home" theory (for lack of a more universally-understood explanation) that I've adopted over my last couple months here in Los Angeles. I've gotten my hands into *a lot* of different things since moving here and I've worked my ass off and continue to do so with every single one of them. Putting 100% (or more) into most everything I do is something that has always been in my blood and is a standard I was raised with, although at times it's been a more prominent part of my life than others.

I was not raised to quit, I was not taught to give up, and I was never told to throw in the towel...

I still watch both of my parents work at a marriage they value, a life they've built, accomplishments they've achieved, careers and hobbies they're both wonderful at, and a family they cherish... every day.

Now, even having been raised by such wonderful parents who taught me I was not a quitter, have I had my moments where I strived for much less than I was capable of? Uhm, can I get a resounding YES, (I know, *shock*). In fact, "strive" isn't even the word I would use to describe what I've spent many of my years on this earth doing. "Strive" does not include laziness, lying, settling, making excuses, procrastinating, etc., which pretty much means I'm not really at liberty to apply "strive" to about 1/2 of my life thus far (and no, I'm not referring to years 0 - 12ish when "striving" is going to bed on time, matching your socks, and taking out the trash).

The period of time just prior to me leaving Reno (which can now be referred to as the official Self-Destruction of Amanda), was one of those times that I seemed to be at the extreme opposite end of the Strive spectrum. I did work hard at the things I was doing, however I worked at them under false pretenses. I did put effort into the relationships in my life, however I put about two times that effort into pushing the same people away. I did invest time into myself, however I invested more precious time and precious cargo into others who did not appreciate me.

But - in the time period between the official Self-Destruction of Amanda and the working my ass of state I'm currently in, I've learned something:

The thing about life is this ...if you're going to run, run as fast and as hard as you can.

If you're going to run as fast and as hard as you can, you're going to fall on your face at some point.

And it's going to hurt.

Running fast and hard full-force ahead into the life that you've always wanted and dreamed of will inevitably result in some man-down moments. Big ones, small ones, painful ones, band-aid worthy ones, reconstructive surgery-worthy ones (hey, you never know what's coming). But wouldn't you rather look back and know that you ran, as fast and as hard as you could, and came out with scars and wisdom vs. settling for a walk in the park and coming out unscathed and unchanged?

Coming from someone who has evidently (numbers don't lie) spent 1/2 of her life face-down on the pavement, I think it's pretty damn fabulous to be able to say that I'm now more ready than ever to run again.

Modeling Post: ZoomTheory Bridal Shoot, Behind-the-Scenes

This week brought, among other fun things and an out-of-the-blue 24hr flu that put me in bed for a day, a *bridal* photoshoot with Meredith of ZoomTheory photography.

So, first the upside: I've been told by multiple people in my networking circles, including my agent, that I need to get involved in the bridal genre of work and it feels great to have the shoot under my belt.

But, for the downside: I would be lying right through my little teeth if I said I was *super, unbelievably excited (YAY!!) * about the theme, seeing as how I would currently prefer to take my chances on a glass slipper showing up on my doorstep than rely on finding a good man.

However, I've shot with Meredith on some print work before and together we made the shoot ridiculously fun and entertaining! One highlight was running into a completely closed-down street due to a car accident in route to our first location. This would be the part we hopped out of the car and got a few shots on a freeway overpass with traffic below us.

And HEY, don't you sit there and judge, it wasn't our fault they wrecked their car, the show must go on! If people on Southern California highways would stop wrecking their cars every five seconds I guarantee shows all over the city would be going on MUCH faster...I'm just sayin'...

Once we got through this obstacle we made it to our next couple of locations with ease and were even on-schedule enough to have time for a dinner-stop in between. If you've ever stopped into a place to eat wearing 16.7lbs of makeup, a wedding gown, hooded sweatshirt and Ugg boots, then you can definitely relate to how awkward our rendevouz was. What's that? You've never had this experience? Yeah, I kinda had a feeling I was somewhat alone in this one.

Good thing there's so many damn weirdos in this area, you have to seriously go out on a limb here to get any attention in public, like maybe a neon yellow snow suit with the ass cut out. Even then, there's really no guarantee anyone is going to look at you twice. This allowed me to embrace my ridiculous dinner outfit in pride.

As the shoot rolled into the 7/8pm-ish time period temps dropped to a "chilly" 60 degrees and even though I come from way over yonder in the land of wind & *snow*, my nose was definitely running by the time we wrapped ...does that mean I'm officially becoming one of those girls who dresses herself and her 8lb dog in scarves, sweaters, and boots when temperatures drop below 75 degrees?! Definitely not, I can still bundle up with the best of them. ; )

Overall, the shoot definitely went well even with my hesitations going into it and an emotional text-conversation with The Ex-boyfriend during the middle of it (timing really is everything, isn't it?) Between the dumbass people hollering proposals at us on the freeway overpass, my well-crafted dinner date attire, and a drippy red nose toward the end (whoever says modeling is glamorous has a serious lying issue) I was able to stay in a goofy, happy place throughout most of the shoot.

Ahh, the power of a hilarious photographer and some funny circumstances ...